Old Man MacGregor

This may have been posted before, forgive me if it has. My grandfather, told me this one when I was but a lad myself, I am 50 now. I have tried to write as it was told to me, with a thick Scottish accent. Think of Robin Williams describing how golf was invented. A half-grown lad was seated at the bar in Campbell’s pub. An auld sour-faced man was next tae him, drinkin’ on his third tankard.”Aye lad, ye’re Brown’s son Avery?””That’s me, sure.” The man drew the last dregs o’ ale and motioned tae the barkeep tae draw anither. He looks at the young man wi’ an appraisin’ look.”Take care in the world lad. Many a person will ignore yer great deeds and will remember only yer foibles.” He taps his chest wi’ his finger.”Many years ago, must hae been a score. I built the wall aroond the village. Picked each stane and fit it wi’ care. I made the mortar strong. It has stood against wind, wild animals, and cam through the war without nary a scratch. Dae they ca’ me MacGregor the great wall builder?” He angrily pounds his fist, “Nooo!”He begins tae stroke the bar top. A wistful look on his face. “I built this bar. This very one. I jointed ‘er strong, used the best glue. I matched the grain, it looks like a single piece. I sanded it, breakin’ me back. Smooth as yer mother’s teat. Then I coated it wi’ shellac until she shone.” He pats the bar. “But dae they ca’ me MacGregor the Bar Builder? Nooo!”He takes a long draw on his tankard.”Oot thar in the harbour? Ye see the shipping pier? Aye, it was me that built it. Took mair than a year. I drove the pilings deep. I made sure tae coat them wi’ pitch as thick as I dared. It has stood these ten years, nae rot, not a single splinter. It has stood mighty gales, a ship crash, and even a fire. It is whit made this village a shipping port.”Dae they ca’ me MacGregor the pier builder? Nay, naw they dinnae.” He is fully enraged and his face grows red. He throws his cup and slams baith fists on the bar. Thrusting a single finger raised in the direction o’ the lad. “But ye fuck one goat!”